Speedwalking Through 2011-2014 or What's Going On?

I cannot believe that I haven't posted since 2011. Winston died September 1st, 2011 of liver cancer so we got a new shelter dog named Emily for my birthday that year. Winston was such a joy and a part of the family, we wanted to continue having a fuzzy family member. Emily is very sweet but skittish. Somewhere in her past while she was on her own, we think she may have abused. The study group that Jeffrey started became the Afrikan Village Church. I spent the entire year of 2012 serving as Treasurer. As it turned out, it was a mistake because it didn't suit me so I was asked to step down. While I could make deposits etc. I found the other responsibilities difficult. My mind was very scattered. By the end of 2012, I had run out of money and was damned near destitute. My financial picture is definitely not rosy, but we're surviving. Imani still lives at home and doesn't work anywhere. I have no idea of how she'll manage when I leave this earth, because my assets are pretty much gone. Warren ended up having several strokes so he's in a nursing home. I feel badly for him because no one wants the responsibility of taking care of him. Not even the home he's in, and he is so lonely, poor thing. Aunt Millie is still hale and hearty, but is a very suspicious old lady. Lynda is a published author of several books, and Vanessa is doing well doing whatever Vanessa does. Wayne's father and my former stepfather died in 2013 in a nursing home; and Wayne is still playing prison roulette.( A broken man who is stuck in place.) Relations between Black and White America are at an all time low. So many young black men shot by cops; riots in Missouri,and terrorist attacks all over the world. The more we learn, the less we know as human beings. We celebrate our differences and carry them on our shoulders like part of some worn out honor guard. People are still dying of hunger and disease. To be from Africa is to be an Ebola carrier; or so the media and government would have us think. Imagine if that energy could be harnessed in solving our problems as people! I wonder all those years ago when we were children sitting around holiday time, did anyone ever imagine we would be like this?

You just put one foot in front of the other.

It's been almost a year since I've last written and so much has happened. The first anniversary of my mother's death was August 31st; the second year of David's was September 27th; Louise Hurt-Brown, my mother-in-law died November 20, 2010; finally Heather Turpyn, my neice passed away on December 10, 2010.

I took an early retirement from Vanguard in June 3, 2011. Just about 14 years later from my start date. No surprise since I couldn't function or focus on anything.
The last 5 months have been productive though. I did a lot to improve the interior of the house. The sheer volume of painting, plastering, etc. was just the right kind of tired that I needed.

I'm taking this opportunity to rethink somethings, because how often do you have a chance to take your life in a new direction? I admit to being somewhat scared and uncertain about what to do next, but sometimes you just put one foot in front of the other.

Momma

Marthina Earline Higgins (nee' Young) died on August 31, 2010 @ 2:15 am. She was 77years old. Although she was cremated Friday, September 3, 2010, a memorial service was held for her on October 15, 2010 in Charleston, SC where she spent several years in retirement. This will be our first Christmas without her, and our second without David.

Sunrise: August 28, 1933 - Sunset: August 31, 2010.

Is 2009 Over Yet?

I have not written anything in awhile. As of this writing, my mother is in a nursing home because her dementia became too much for me to handle. But the trigger, the actual trigger was the death of my son, David.

I write the words, but I still can't believe it. David, my beautiful boy is dead. It's not a joke, it's not a dream, and I am not in an alternate universe. David is dead of a lack of oxygen to the brain precipitated by a cardiac infarction. He transitioned over to the next life on September 27, 2009. He was cremated on October 2, 2009. He was 28 years old. These are the facts; they are hard and ugly, but still the facts. I am frozen inside and at the same time,I am bleeding as though a huge chunk of has been ripped out of me.

The world has lost a bright soul and I have lost my child. I can't breathe.

Respite care

Today was my mother's first day at adult day care. I dropped her off this morning and left. She was not too happy about my leaving her there. This place is not just for seniors; it's also for people who have had strokes or people who are developmentally delayed.

When I picked her up at four, she told me she wasn't going back. I asked why and she said she just sat all day. I told her that she had to go because I had to work and my daughter needed to look for work. Then she said she was hungry. I found out later that she didn't eat lunch. Not because it wasn't served, but because she ate a late breakfast and wasn't hungry at lunch time. She did eat her snack, though.

Over dinner, she told me all about how she connected with several ladies and she helped people. The director of the program called me and mentioned that he observed her interactions with the rest of the participants and thought she did well.

I did mention that the director called and mentioned she had a good day. She laughed apparently pleased by all this interest. Then she said she would go again but not everyday. Good thing I signed her up for Monday, Wednesday and Friday's!

My daughter had the opportunity to have a driving lesson and we went shopping and picked up some extra things for mom to wear.

I am praying that this works out as I return to work next week. oh-oh. She's sundowning again. I was hoping that we wouldn't a bad night tonite. *shoot*

Sometimes you have to watch what you say

From the moment I awakened I knew this was going to be a bad day. The previous evening, Mom, my daughter and I were in Mom's room talking. I brought her a cup of tea and said good nite. My daughter and I went to our separate rooms.

The following morning, my mother still had not come out. I knocked on the door only to discover that her door was locked. She implied that my daughter came through the door into her room and rearranged her stuff. There is no pass through between the 2 bedrooms.

Later that day, I gave my mother her Namenda which doubles in dosage this week. When she asked what was it for I stupidly said, "your memory". I could have just as easily said something abou one of her prescription doubling. My mother went on a tear that lasted the entire evening and caused me to call the toll-free Alzheimer's Association helpline. That number is 1.800.272.3900.

I spoke with a very soothing woman who advised me to take a deep breath, calmed me down and then had an MSW call me back to help me with some techniques to calm my mother down. They also promised a followup contact the next day.

I made Mom and I each a cup of tea. Her's was laced with her Seroquel so she could rest. She continued to rant for several hours and said she wanted to leave and go back to Charleston. She believed that she could walk there. It was obvious that she is in complete denial about having Alzheimer's disease.

Once she calmed down, she asked if she could spend the night so she could leave in the morning.; she even mentioned going to a nursing home. My nerves are so fried, I'm ready to let her. I did come to the realization that it didn't matter what I said. If it wasn't this, it would be something else.


The entire series of events with the medicine began at 7:45 p.m. It is now 1:45 am and she is not sleep yet. God I am so tired *sigh*

No help available or is there?

I found the perfect place for my mother near the house. I went on a tour yesterday. it was clean, bright and well-staffed. prices ranged from $2500- $3400 per month. Guess what, we can't afford it.

My mother is a retiree who receives a pension which is over the Medicaid limit of $1580, so at this point I don't know what to do. My thought was to place her in the adult daycare at this facility, then transition her into long term care there. It would be familiar to her and she wouldn't be unnecessarily traumatized. So much for that.

They do have an adult day care program which is reasonable. It operates from 9-4 which means that someone other than me has to drive her back and forth because I work earlier hours. The facility provides lunch and 2 snacks, as well as games and trips. I think she would like it there.

The other facility I toured has hours that are more compatible with my schedule, but is slightly more expensive. We would not have enough to pay for her medications.

I wonder how many other families are in this dilemma?

Mom goes away...

I took my mom to meet her new geriatric practitioner. She is still in denial about her diagnosis and symptoms; and will not tell the doctor some of the things that she tells me about her nightmares, paranoia, hallucinations, and insomnia.

I usually have to mention these symptoms, especially as they seem to be getting worse. The result was an additional medication to help her sleep and something to calm the anxiety. This is something her doctors in Charleston suggested, but I didn't think she was ready. No, I meant that I wasn't ready to admit that my mother was at a stage where she needed anti-psychotics. The risks are scary as I mentioned before.

Alzheimer patients eventually get to the stage where they express their frustration through rage filled tantrum. They can no longer communicate, they way they used to and the rage is directed towards the person they see as the cause for everything that has happened and is happening to them...the caregiver.

I don't mean to imply that any of the behaviour is the my mother's fault. It's not, it is the disease as it progresses, mom goes away. This really sucks.

Would you like a heart attack with your dementia followed by a side of stroke?

Last night was not a good night. Mom became obsessed with the idea that someone entered her room and moved her clothes. This is an increasingly common theme with Alzheimer and dementia patients- loss and the idea that someone stole something.

Because I was tired, (it was after 10 pm), I was not as tactful as I might have been and the whole thing escalated from there. I walked away and listened to her rant until the wee hours. Mom also has nightmares, so she doesn't sleep.

Next week we visit a geriatric specialist who can help us deal with the paranoia that comes along with this package. I have been advised that we need to add anti-psychotics to the treatment. These are needed to calm the patient down, because without them the patient becomes easily agitated.

The side affects are stroke or heart attack. The key I'm told is titration. That's a word I haven't heard since high school chemistry.
To put it in perspective; a glass of wine a day is good for you. A case of wine a day is not good for you and can result in cirrhosis, etc.

I'm learning the hard way, that this is a progressive disease. I understand it intellectually, but it's different when you experience it first hand.
I don't think that I was prepared to take this on.

Read! Read! Read!

Last week I contacted the Alzheimer's Association and received a booklet full of information. They are located at 3800 Shamrock Dr. in Charlotte. There is a 24 hr helpline. the number is 800. 272.3900. Their website is www.alz.org

The Alzheimer's Association will provide information about programs that are available locally as well as referrals for Adult day care, home care, and medical services.

I would like to encourage anyone going through this with a loved one to make the Alzheimer's Association your first stop after you receive a diagnosis from a medical professional.

I have some things I'd like to mention conversations to have and/or to think about:

1) Have a durable power of attorney (POA) drawn up before the patient is unable to act. I was able to do this through a legal plan that my job offers. I paid nothing out of pocket. The attorney came to my mother's apartment before she moved and did the paperwork there. It will save you a lot of time.

2) Contact your loved one's financial institutions and explain the situation to them. Having the durable POA will help you. Alzheimer patients will lose the ability to manage money and often hoard money in different places.

3) Discuss with your medical professional whether a senior center or adult daycare center is the right choice for your situation. Seniors at the center may operate at a higher level than your loved one so an adult daycare may be better for your situation.
The GP, geriatric psychiatrist, and social worker all agreed that Adult Daycare was the better choice for my mother.

4) Don't spend a lot of time thinking about what-ifs. I beat myself up because I didn't recognize what was happening with my Mom. I lived in another state.

Just remember, try to connect with a support group as soon as you can. You'll need it. Good luck and God bless.